That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
The beer is more important than you right now.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
