i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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