I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
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I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
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I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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