is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
