Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
