what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
