Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
