i permit you to call me
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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