I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
