Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
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So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
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So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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