Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
