your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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