I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
