Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
