the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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