broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
