my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
My dick has a subreddit
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
