I CAN MOONWALK!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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