I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
