I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
