remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
