I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
