Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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