if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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