ugly people sure do ruin things
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I have feelings that need drinking.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
