meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Randomize
