just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
