He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
