Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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