Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I need a beard to bite.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
