you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
