I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Randomize
