The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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