if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
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You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
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I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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