I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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