Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
