Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
