So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
