you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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