my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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