my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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