I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
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My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
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She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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