Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
pray to the hookup gods
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
