we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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