Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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