i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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