After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
