My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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