the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
