Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
people are starting to question the shark bite story
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
