i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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