I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Found the puke drawer
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
