I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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