my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
