you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
