Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
