I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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