I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
