There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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