i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
